We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
