if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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