He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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