My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
