if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
