She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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