At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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