If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
