You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
