Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
