i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
