yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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