i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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