how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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