Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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