i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
