I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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