and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
