Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We need to get me chipped asap
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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