I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
