college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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