If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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