At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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