the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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