i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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