I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
