hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
