1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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