A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
