dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
