after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
