She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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