I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i think i just lost a toe
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
