Pappa wants mamma naked
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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