I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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