she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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