I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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