He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
