I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
