I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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