u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
