if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
