dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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