Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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