Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
