i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
