last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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