Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
