She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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