I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
