All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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