I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
