ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
