The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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