I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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