highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
